Melani Engel

Director of Adoption Services for LFCS

The True Meaning of Courage and Love

Choosing adoption is one of the most profound and loving decisions a parent can make. It’s a choice made from love and the desire to give a child their best possible future.

“For birth parents, the adoption journey is an act of incredible courage and love,” said Melani Engel, Director of Adoption Services for LFCS. “It’s a decision rooted in deep care for their child’s future, and our mission is to support them before, during, and long after placement.” This perspective reframes the adoption experience. It turns a narrative of loss into one of empowerment and strength.

The post National Adoption Month: Honoring the Courage and Lifelong Support for Birth Parents first appeared on Lutheran Family and Children's Services of Missouri.

Michael and Sarah Hanf’s adoption journey is a powerful testament to the importance of openness in adoption. Their path, like many who pursue adoption, was filled with both hope and heartbreak. When the Hanfs first reached out to LFCS, they were navigating the emotional ups and downs of trying to build their family.

“We continued to try to have kids, but after multiple miscarriages we found out we had infertility issues,” Sarah recalls. “We went through several medical procedures, and after five years we were able to have our oldest child, Morgan.” After experiencing the joy of parenthood, they hoped to have another child. However, doctors told them they had only a 3% chance of success if they attempted the same lengthy process. Knowing how painful and unlikely that process would be, Michael and Sarah chose adoption.

Their initial attempts to adopt, however, were marked by disappointment. They connected with another agency but found the experience frustrating and costly. “That was crushing,” Sarah shares. “We were very discouraged… we felt like we were just another number.” After similarly negative experiences with multiple other agencies, they reached out to LFCS in desperation. What they found was a team that truly cared.

“She was so kind and understanding after we had just been through a lot at that point,” Sarah says of the LFCS staff member who helped them. Michael adds, “There were several sessions where we had just us and our social worker answering questions and going over the process. They let us know what to expect and were honest about the uncertainty.” For the first time in their adoption journey, they felt seen and supported.

One of the most impactful aspects of LFCS’s approach was the focus on openness in adoption. “They had panels where we could hear from birth parents, adoptive parents, adoptees,” Sarah explains. “And that’s where we learned the most about openness.” Before this, the Hanfs only knew about closed adoptions, having seen them in their own family. “Both of my sisters were adopted,” Michael shares. “The one hesitation I had was how LFCS was encouraging open adoptions. Through the help of LFCS, we began to realize how special an open adoption can be.”

Michael, Sarah, Morgan, Olivia, & Brooklynn Hanf

The post National Adoption Month: The Hanfs and Open Adoption first appeared on Lutheran Family and Children's Services of Missouri.

Previous
Next

The journey of adoption is filled with emotions, struggles, and beauty. From potential adoptive parents to birth parents to adoptees, everyone involved understands it is an incredibly sensitive process. For this reason, it can be difficult for anyone outside the adoption triad to truly understand the adoption experience. It can be difficult to know where to begin if someone is seeking to better understand the journey of adoption. LFCS is here to help those who would like to learn more about the details of the adoption process.

We asked our adoption team to answer some of the most common questions they are asked by prospective adoptive parents. We want to share their responses with you so that you can better understand what the journey of adoption can look like. Our adoption team believes it is important to have accurate information and aims to build awareness to all considering this extremely personal decision.

How long does the adoption process normally take?

On average, a private domestic adoption takes between 12-18 months for a waiting adoptive family to become matched. Many variables go into finding the perfect fit between expectant/birth parents and potential adoptive parents, and LFCS wants to make sure everyone feels the situation is just right for both parties. LFCS encourages adoptive families to be patient during this process because it can take time. It can be a long and difficult process, but the result will be a lifelong connection with a child who is deeply loved.

How much does adoption typically cost?

A typical private, domestic adoption costs between $20,000 & $40,000. These costs include the home study, education/training for adoptive parents, birth parent support, and legal fees. We know this can be expensive for many families. LFCS can help families apply for grants to help cover the expenses. We want to minimize any barriers that keep adoptive couples from completing their family. 

What is an open adoption and why is it important?

Openness in adoption refers to the type and amount of interaction between birth family, adoptive family, and the adoptee, as well as the access a child has to their full identity and heritage. Contact among all parties may involve shared updates and pictures or in-person visits. Openness allows the birth family, adoptive family, and the adoptee to maintain contact and build a relationship over time. Openness benefits everyone in the adoption triad, especially adoptees. Openness allows adoptees access to their adoption story and details about their birth heritage, even if contact with their birth family isn’t possible. Open adoption also helps birth parents feel confident that their child is safe and thriving. LFCS utilizes the Inclusive Family Support Model of openness to help families navigate this important relationship in adoption.

Can an adoptive couple choose a child’s race, gender, or other characteristics?

During the home study process, adoptive parents are approved to adoption children based on what kind of child they feel equipped to parent. LFCS does not approve families based on a specific gender, but we do take into consideration a couple’s ability to support a child’s racial/ethnic heritage and health/mental health background. Additionally, the decision-making power is in the hands of each adoptive couple as they review the information in each matching situation.

Can a birth parent change their mind after the adoption is finalized?

We understand that many factors must be considered when faced with such an important decision. Pregnant women considering adoption often re-evaluate their plan as they move through the adoption process. The caring case workers at LFCS support clients throughout their pregnancy and delivery, whether they choose to parent or make an adoption plan. This support and guidance often gives expectant parents confidence in whatever plan they ultimately choose. In addition to support during pregnancy and placement, birth parents are also invited to receive ongoing support through post-adoption services offered through LFCS.

Once a child is placed for adoption, the legal process begins. Birth parents voluntarily consent to having their parental rights terminated so the adoption can move forward. This is the last point at which the birth parents can change their minds, as the consent process is legally-binding. This is why the LFCS adoption team continually educates and counsels birth families to make sure they understand every aspect of the permanent decision they are making. Once consents have been signed, adoptive families have two hearings during their adoption journey: one to transfer legal custody of the child to their family and the other to finalize their adoption. While many adoptive families fear that their adoption could be easily overturned, this fear is not supported by facts. It is extremely rare for adoptions to be overturned after an adoption has been finalized.

For more information or to contact someone on our adoption team, please visit lfcsmo.org/adoption-services

The post Answering Common Adoptive Parent Questions first appeared on Lutheran Family and Children's Services of Missouri.

Larry and Jennifer have experienced this fear in many aspects along their adoption journey.  The couple has adopted two boys as infants through LFCS.  The drastic differences between their adoptions made Larry and Jennifer realize the uniqueness of each child and their adoption stories.

Their oldest son, Grant, adoption turned out to be a closed adoption.  They have never met the birth parents and have no way of contacting them.  This seemed like the norm and they were comfortable with this, until they adopted their second son, Neil.

They met Neil’s birth mother prior to his birth and his birth father in the hospital at his birth.  Communication with the birth parents started through the agency and eventually developed to direct communications with the birth parents.  Jennifer admitted that her fears surfaced many times during Neil’s adoption, as it was all so new and different.

“Communication with birth parents who actually communicated back was amazing and scary at the same time,” Jennifer reflected.

Larry and Jennifer still had worries that the birth parents would want Neil back or question whether they made the right choice. The feared saying the wrong thing or overstepping in their roles as adoptive parents before finalization. To face these fears head on,  Jennifer asked for the support of her adoption worker.  Now Jennifer can’t wait for responses from Neil’s birth parents.  Their relationship is better than any of them anticipated.

The differences in their son’s adoption journeys aren’t finished. As the boys grow, Larry and Jennifer expect questions. For Grant, they won‘t have many answers. When Neil has questions they can go straight to his birth parents for answers.  This fact alone nearly stopped Larry and Jennifer from going forward for Neil’s match, but they have learned that there will always be fears of the unknown, as well as differences between their children.  They could either allow the fear to control them or they could face the fear.  Larry and Jennifer have sought education and help from LFCS on how to support BOTH of their son’s and their journeys of adoption.

Looking back, Larry and Jennifer can’t even imagine the possibility of them not facing their fears of the unknown, or Neil not being a part of their family. They don’t know what the future holds or their son’s responses or desires with regards to their adoptions, but they know they will face it head on with honesty and openness.

The post Fear of the Unknown first appeared on Lutheran Family and Children's Services of Missouri.

Q: Did you have any fears about parenting in an open adoption? If, so what were they?

A: Yes! Any time you begin something with a lot of unknowns it usually creates fears. My husband and I shared similar fears, but also had our own individual concerns.

Our biggest fear was that we would commit to an open adoption not really knowing if the birth parent(s) and/or birth family were people that we would connect with. How long would it take to establish a relationship? What does that even look like?

I had concerns about how the birth parent(s) would be long term with an open adoption. Would it be healthy for them or would they change their mind? How would that impact us and our adopted child?

Q: Now that you have been parenting for some time, can you say that any of those fears were realized?

A: Not a single one!

Q: What has been the biggest challenge of open-adoption parenting?

A: The biggest challenge for me in our open-adoption was after we brought our adopted son home. There were no guidelines to follow.  (i.e. How soon do you talk to the birth mom? How often? When do we get together for the first time? Where should we go? For how long? etc.)

I had spent many hours messaging back and forth with our birth mom for several weeks leading up to the delivery. Our biological son and I went to her doctor visits with her and would grab lunch afterwards. It gave us a great foundation before our son arrived.

Once we brought our little guy home from the hospital my heart was longing to talk to his birth mom. I wanted to know she was okay. I reached out to her and she was overjoyed! I wanted to do whatever I could to help her through the process so I simply would ask her questions. Does she want me to text her pictures? How often? We would talk about how she was doing. I left it up to her as to when she was ready to see us and where she felt comfortable going. After meeting for the first time, I asked her how she was. Was the visit too long/too short?

The dynamics of every open adoption will look different but I would encourage everyone involved to be open and honest. I never hesitated to share what was on my mind. Some days I just sent our birth mom a message and told her I was thinking about her. How much I loved her and was praying for her.

Q: What has been the biggest reward of open-adoption parenting?

A: The biggest reward of open adoption parenting has been our family growing by another family! Over the past almost 3 years, we have grown closer with our adopted son’s birth family in ways I would have never dreamed. I have watched his birth mom thrive as a result of the amazing relationship with her son. She doesn’t have to wonder how he is doing or what he looks like or acts like. Being a part of his life has given her peace in knowing she made the right decision. Seeing him happy makes her happy.
Q: What suggestions would you give to others exploring open adoption?

A: For those exploring open adoption, I would suggest the following.

Become educated about open adoption. Discuss your fears with your social worker. Ask to be connected with families in an open adoption to ask questions and have as support.

Be open-minded. You don’t have to have all the answers as to what the relationship will look like. It can evolve into something far greater than you could even imagine.

Commit to being open and honest. Communication is key to a healthy relationship.

Q: Knowing what you know now, would you change anything? If so, what?

A: I wouldn’t change a single thing! Our open adoption has been one of the biggest blessings in my life!

The post Open Adoption and Parenting first appeared on Lutheran Family and Children's Services of Missouri.

Sometime after beginning the domestic adoption process, our social worker told us the exciting news. A set of birth parents had reviewed our album and wanted to meet us in person.  Although we had hesitations about openness, education and counseling from LFCS helped us prepare for the interview of a lifetime.

We met our son Will on the day he was born in March 2009. The time we spent in the hospital with his birth mother, Annie, was the start of a wonderful relationship.  Now, we stay in frequent contact with Annie and share regular visits at each other’s homes.  We treasure our relationship with Annie and look forward to having her in our family’s life as Will grows up.  LFCS deserves much of the credit for all of this, not only because of the guidance we received, but also because of the support and counseling it provided to Annie.

Meanwhile, our application plodded forward in China until we were matched with a baby boy in the spring of 2012.   We took an amazing trip to China in that summer, to bring our new son Adam home. As with virtually all Chinese adoptions, we know almost nothing about Adam’s background.  We do know, however, that he wound up where he belongs.  Together with Will and Adam, we are authentically and undeniably a family, complete with all the fun, squabbling, tumult, and love you’d expect.

Through our journey, we’ve been shown that for all the challenges life presents – like infertility, unexpected pregnancy, or the unknowable hardships that put children in orphanages – there also are wonderful possibilities if people can open their hearts and do the work it takes to bring them about.  That’s what LFCS does.  It meets the challenges and works to fulfill the possibilities.  In our case, LFCS has made possible wonderful and amazing things.  It’s helped us become parents and our boys become brothers.  In the process, we know it’s given peace of mind to at least one birth mother and we hope and pray that, in some way we will never fully know or understand, it’s done the same for another birth mother on the other side of the world.

Throughout our winding journey, LFCS provided invaluable guidance and support.  For that, we thank LFCS and the people who support its work.

Will and his birth mother Annie

The post Will’s Adoption first appeared on Lutheran Family and Children's Services of Missouri.