Myers Briggs
Different Gifts
Have you ever found yourself wondering why you and your spouse see life so differently sometimes? After you’ve had a disagreement does one of you want to “talk it out” while the other wants to get away, quietly thinking it through? Or have you ever looked at your child and marveled at how different the two of you are? Do you like things organized and orderly yet your child doesn’t seem to have the slightest awareness when they’re not and doesn’t even notice the sock left in the middle of the floor? Chances are that these differences are not character flaws in either one of you, but simply the fact that your temperaments are very different
As a counselor who works with couples, parents and children, I often see people who love one another struggle to understand each other, confounded at how different their loved one seems to be.Temperament differences are often the explanation for this confusion, and awareness of temperament disparities might help us feel more understanding and less judgmental when someone close to us makes choices that seem so surprising and baffling from our point of view.
According to the experts on Temperament, the Myers & Briggs Foundation, there are four different dimensions of personality that come into play when individuals interact with each other. Similar to the right-handed or left-handed preferences that seem hard-wired into each of us, Temperament is made up of four differing pairs of preferences:
Extraversion or Introversion, E or I
Sensing or Intuition, S or N
Thinking or Feeling, T or F
Judging or Perceiving, J or P.
The first pairing, Extraversion or Introversion, refers to where people “prefer” to focus and get energy in life. Extraverts are energized by people and things outside of themselves, such as interacting with other people and being in the middle of lots of activity. Introverts are quite different in where they prefer to get their energy. Introverts prefer to focus on their inner world and “recharge” by being quiet, reflective, maybe playing a video game, working on a project or reading a book. An Extrovert spouse might want their Introvert partner to go out with them to a big gathering of friends but the experience of that outing might be quite different for each of them. The Extrovert would likely come home feeling excited, enthusiastic and energized. The Introverted partner would more likely arrive home feeling tired, depleted and wanting to find a quiet place to regroup. What has given the Extrovert energy has actually depleted the energy of the Introvert. The relationship dilemma for partners arises when there is judgment about the other’s preference without the understanding of the impact of temperament. An Extroverted spouse might judge their Introvert partner as anti-social, boring, or uninvolved. The Introverted partner might be tempted to judge the Extrovert as impetuous, outspoken, or capricious. But these differences can actually be seen as gifts to a relationship when we understand temperament more fully. For example, the Extroverts will likely encourage communication and openness in a relationship while an Introvert will bring a deep, reflective, well-thought out perspective to any issue that might arise.
The next pairing is the Sensate or Intuitive difference and this preference refers to how individuals gather information about the world. Sensate types use their five senses and tend to be good at observing the physical world and being realistic, practical and attentive to details. Intuitive types, on the other hand, tend to use a kind of sixth sense or intuition to gather data about their world. Intuitive types tend to be “big picture” people, looking for broader meanings, patterns, and are good at generating new ideas and options. This difference can be confounding if the down-to-earth Sensing partner, who tends to be traditional, precise and factual, is working on a project with the more novelty-loving Intuitive partner. The Sensate is likely to be more patient, steadily working toward a practical, realistic goal. The Intuitive partner is more likely to work on a project in bursts of energy with slack periods in between. Intuitive types are great at generating new possibilities, restlessly wanting to solve things in new and innovative ways. When individuals come from such different vantage points as Sensing or Intuition, working together on a project can be frustrating with one person wanting to stay focused and keep it simple and the other generating all sorts of possibilities. Yet each partner brings gifts to what they do: the Sensate will keep things practical and realistic; the Intuitive will be optimistic in solving problems, generating new solutions throughout the process.
The next pairing, Thinking or Feeling, tends to fall along gender lines more than the other three preferences, with the majority of men scoring as Thinkers and the majority of women scoring as Feelers. The challenge for partners who experience this difference is that it is sometimes hard to interpret correctly what the other is saying or isn’t saying, almost as if they are speaking different languages. Thinkers make decisions based on cause and effect, and focus on the logical consequences of an action or choice. However by focusing on the objective components of an issue, they might inadvertently screen out the subjective parts, and might even sound harsh and uncaring in their communication. The bottom line for those who prefer Thinking is that they want to be right in what they think and choose. The other preference, the Feeling type, tends to focus on subjective issues and to make decisions that create harmony between people, mindful of other’s feelings when making decisions. Feelers tend to communicate in sensitive, sympathetic ways so when they interact with a Thinker whose communication is direct and not as mindful of the feelings of others, Feelers are tempted to take comments personally, and are offended and hurt, much to the surprise of the Thinkers. Thinkers are often confounded when they hurt their partners because they rarely get their own feelings hurt. The challenge for these Thinking / Feeling partners is, metaphorically, to speak each other’s language, i.e, for the Thinkers to communicate in more positive, appreciative ways and for the Feelers to be curious rather than defensive when they might otherwise take comments personally. And, again, each type brings different gifts to a relationship: the Thinker will be skilled at analyzing what is wrong in a situation, while the Feeler will be skilled at sensitively communicating a difficult truth in ways that others can hear.
The final pairing refers to how individuals prefer to organize their lives. Judgers tend to “judge” or decide things and love to plan ahead, attempting to avoid last minutes stress and changes. Perceivers tend to “perceive” or observe life and are not quick to make decisions because they might realize a better option later so they leave their choices open. They tend to get their best ideas at the last minute, try to fit a lot in, and often get a great deal done under the pressure of a deadline. If partners are different on this dimension it can be challenging because the Judger is focused on the future, getting things decided and being on time, while the Perceiver is focused on being in the moment, having fun along the way, valuing spontaneity and flexibility. If partners don’t understand this temperament difference it is easy to see how they might look at each other in judgmental ways. The Judger might be viewed as too controlling or rigid, and the Perceiver might be seen as is too disorganized, creating lots of last minute stress. In reality each of them brings gifts to their relationship: the Judger brings organization, order and focus; the Perceiver brings spontaneity, flexibility and fun.
Seeing all four of these pairings and preferences as valuable differences rather than personality flaws can shed a whole new light on that frustrating trait that keeps showing up in your partner or child. So the next time you see your partner “retreat” during a disagreement, or you experience them as uncaring, or too sensitive, too uptight or too disorganized, take a step back. Notice that the very difference that can be so frustrating in your relationship can also be a wonderful gift that might truly help you see the bigger picture and experience life in more innovative, productive and enjoyable ways.
Lynn Duffield, MSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and a Certified Practitioner of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.